July 29, 2004
Thought I would share this with you guys.
For Everyone Who Loves the Rural Midwest
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner`s mind, the following list should be handed to each person as they enter any Midwestern State.
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It`s called a `gravel road.` No matter how slow you drive, you`re going to get dust on your BMW X-what the hell. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Either drive yours or get it out of the way.
3. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women...and you won`t enjoy it.
4. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don`t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for -- we call them "bait".
5. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don`t have it up to your ear at the time.
7. No, there`s no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef`s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham, turkey, and cheese. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
8. No, we don`t eat too much here, we just know how to eat. Our men don`t get big and strong here by chewing on organic celery sticks while drinking a chai tea latte. They grow up big and strong by eating their mama`s home-made meat loaf, real mashed potatoes with gravy, corn on the cob from their garden, home-made biscuits, followed off by a few slices of home-made apple pie made with apples from the orchard and a big healthy glass of whole milk from our award winning dairy cows. As to how we work off what we eat, see #1 above.
9. You bring Coke into my house, it had better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
10. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We`re real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
11. Let`s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it`s red. We may even stop when it`s yellow.
12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you`re a feminist. Isn`t that cute.
13. Yeah, we eat catfish and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It`s available at the bait shop.
14. They are pigs. That`s what they smell like. Get over it. Don`t like it? Interstate 80 goes two ways--Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
15. So every person in every pickup waves. It`s called being friendly. Understand the concept?
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don`t hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
17. That State Trooper that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.
18. You may think that we`re boring people because most of us are farmers, but you`d better stop to think where most of your food comes from first. Didn`t your mama ever tell you it`s not polite to talk with your mouth full? We work hard here to provide our country with the food and dairy it needs to feed it`s people. In other words, we`re too busy working to listen to you whine and complain. And by the way, we`re not boring -- just come into one of our local taverns on a Friday night and we`ll show you our idea of a good time. Oh, better not plan anything for Saturday or Sunday. You`ll need that long to recuperate from Friday night if you`re going to keep up with the locals.
19. No that is not Bambi standing in that corn field. It is a deer and yes, we shoot them and eat them here. You want low-fat meat? Nothing better than a lean venison steak. Don`t like the fact that we shoot them? Try to remember that the next time one runs across the road from out of nowhere and it does $15,000 damage to your $60,000 BM`er.